The Fear of Saying ‘No’

For years, when anyone asked me for a favour, I found it difficult to say no. Scratch that, I found it impossible to say no.

Can you help me move some things on Sunday? Yes. Can we move the meeting from 3 pm to 5 pm? Yes. Can you come to my place for the weekend? Yes.

For years, this was how I operated. I was the ‘yes ma’am!’ (the exclamation mark is intentional. I was a people pleaser). I had the desire to help others. I had the capacity to juggle, to make changes to my schedule, to alter my day for others. I was a yes machine. I aimed to please.

Little did I know, this people-pleasing attitude would eventually bring about such exhaustion that my mind felt like it was going to explode. I had no idea what I was working towards. I had no idea how I fit into the picture of my so-called life. I was actioning other people’s visions. I was saying yes to their requests. I was playing a supporting role in my own life. I won’t go as far as saying I was living a lie, but it definitely wasn’t my truth.

Eventually, I shut down. I said no to everything. Job: no. Family: no. Get together with friends: no. Excercise: no. I felt like a toddler. Except I wasn’t hoping to get a reaction out of others. I was paralyzed with fear and ‘no’ was the only word that would come out of my mouth.

The good part about shutting down: I was no longer willing to say ‘yes’ to others. The not-so-good part: I still had no idea how to effectively say ‘no’.

With time and a lot of work on myself, I came to an important realization: I would only be able to effectively say ‘no’ to others at the moment that I started saying yes to myself and my values. I had to put myself first.

This was new to me. Values? My values? Putting myself first?

It has taken me years to understand just how critical it is to my well-being to say no to things that do not align with my values, to set boundaries, to effectively articulate to others what I will and will not do. Over the last year, I have become better at understanding and championing the things I value. And as a result, I have been able to set boundaries and say ‘no’ effectively. It’s a powerful feeling.